Friday, August 19, 2011

This is it.

     Since I was little, I always looked at older kids and thought they were so cool.  I imagined that I would look old and interesting like they did.  As I grew up, there were always people older and cooler.  Well, now that I am eighteen, I don't feel as cool as the 'older kids' looked.  They were so spry and smooth.  They looked mature and fearless. 
      As I look at myself in the mirror, I don't feel mature, nor smooth.  I feel clumsy, young, innocent, and casual.  I feel like a little baby, a child, still growing.  I feel like I should be going back to high school.  But no, I and going to college tomorrow.  And I am terrified.  I am so excited, but I am still terrified.
     Now I am taking the plunge.  Jumping off the cliff.  Diving into the unknown.  I have no idea what will be happening in my life in the next week, or even the next two days.  I know I won't be seeing my family like I see the everyday.  It is rough to hear them talk about the weeks ahead where I will be absent, and their lives will go on.
     This is it.  I am so, so scared.  I am so, so ready.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

July 31, 2011

     I am a petty, petty child.  From now on I vow to not complain about childish things.  I am entering into the stages of adulthood, I leave to be on my own in August.  There is not more time for moaning and whining.
     Speaking of college, I get my roommate assigned to me next week.  I am very excited and oh so nervous.  I pray that we will not clash and shortly will become best friends because, in all honestly, I really don't have a best friend right now.  Whoa, almost going whiney and childish there.
     I am scared to move away from my parents and sister.  I am afraid to live on my own, make my own desicious, and be responsible for my own actions.  What if I'm not smart enough for my classes?  What if I do things I will regret?  What if I don't make friends?  What if I'm not happy with who I am?  I try so hard to be like other people.  To be more outspoken, to be smarter, more observant, more aggressive.  But should I be?  I mimic other people and that is a problem.  I don't want to blend it with other people and be the same as them.  I want to be me.  The thing is, I have done this for so long, I don't know what 'me' is.  This is not a poor me rant.  I am merely stating a fact.
     The one good thing that is keeping me sane through this wirlwind of uncertainty is making plans.  Non school related plans.  Such as coming home for Halloween to go to a Park City cemetary with my family where they tell stories about the inhavitants of the graves.  These things are keeping me calm.
     By the way, Happy Birthday to Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Viva Las Vegas

    Well, we made it.  The highlight of the drive was taking a power cat nap with my niece, Kairi.  She leaned her head of my shoulder and I on her head.  It was a nice nap.  It was a cramped drive.  We dropped Kai off at her faternal grandparents and made our way to the Casa Blanca.  Which I have always thought was really upscale and really nice.  It turns out I was wrong.  It really is pretty ghetto and not as high quality as I always imagined.
     After a night's stay there, we made our way to the lovely land of Las Vegas.  And here we are.  As we were checking in, my dad and I were stopped by a nice woman who mistaked me as my dad's wife.  Gross.  Then she offered us some tickets for a really good deal.  She took us over to a kiosk with a nice woman named Teresa who was willing to offer us for tickets to the Lion King for fifty dollars and four tickets to the Secret Garden if we took tour of the facility tomorrow for a few hours and gave some feedback.  It sounded like a really good deal because that is why we are here, to see Lion King.  So we said we would take it.  So she searched for some tickets and after a few moments, with a very sober face, reported to us that all this week, the Lion King was "completely sold out."  And this is about when I got dizzy and utterly died inside.  She said she was so sorry and it broke her heart to say this yada yada yada.  I will not lie, there was a tear in my eye but it was that of anger.  I have never been so pissed off in my life.  I was so mad.  Not even at my dad for not simply buying the tickets online a week earlier like we had discussed.  No, there was indeed one person I was whole-heartedly blaming even though it was no fault of them at all.  It just made me feel better to blame one person.  So we checked in and got up to our room and I pulled my laptop out like a mad woman and searched for tickets.  Long story short, my father (the hero) called Mandalay Bay and purchased some tickets for Tuesday.  Teresa's company was only alotted some many tickets which were sold out.  Stupid Teresa.
   We had a late lunch at the buffet here at Excalibar, then Dad and I walked through Mandalay Bay (saw Pete Rose), the Luxor, and the Tropicana.  We are not back, blistered feet and all.
     I am so excited to see the Lion King on Tuesday.  So, so excited.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

New Hair, Harry Potter (spoilers), and Vacation!

     For quite some time now, I have felt that some change was in order.  I have been wanting to dye my hair for a while now.  I have always been in love with black hair.  I think it is beautiful.  I wasn't sure if I could pull it off though.  Some friends said it would be a great idea and I could pull it off.  Some family said it would be a bad idea and I could not pull it off.  These mixed opinions caused my to do nothing about it.  Until I realized that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two is coming out soon and I want to dress up for it as a certain character with dark hair, so I bought some dye from the store.  It's temperary--washes out in 6 weeks/28 washes--and it gave a picture graph of the current color of hair and what it would look like after the dye was in.  So I had my sister do it.  I didn't think it would be as dark as it turned out...  It isn't black but...it is no longer blonde.  It is a dark brown and I love it!  I really do.  I don't want it to wash out.  I think I will make it permenant.  It makes me happy and everyone I have encountered has said they like it a lot!  I love showing it off.
     As stated, Harry Potter is coming out in 11 days and 55 minutes.  I am so excited.  I have been reading up on it.  I had a movie marathon.  I bought the books but unfortunately they won't get to my house on time, but I am going to check the seventh book out of the library.  I have lived on Mugglenet.com today and last night.  I am so excited.  I am going to be dressing up as Bellatrix Lestrange.  I love Bellatrix.  I know she does not triumph in the end, but I still love her.  She is beautiful and crazy and I simply love her.  I spent way too much money on makeup and the dye to dress up as Bellatrix for the midnight premeire but it was certainly worth it.  I did a trial the other day and I looked A M A Z I N G.  No joke.  I bought some black jeggings--that are so comfortable--and I found some black boots in my closet.  I have a purple top and I will find a black sweater or something.  I am going to buy some dark mark temporary tattoos off of ebay and go unpack my wand from the other house.  I can't wait!!!  My lovely friend Lizzy will not be able to make it :( but that is okay.  We will go see it together later.  I am going with some other friends and hopefully I can convince them to dress up as Death Eaters with me.  They will.
     In six days, I will be in St. George and in seven, VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!!  I am so excited!!!  Not even kidding.  I am in love with Las Vegas and always will be.  Everyone looks at the sleeze of vegas, but I think it is glamorous and amazingly beautiful.  I love seeing shows, don't get me wrong, but I also love just staying up late and walking the strip.  I like just being there.  I am SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!  I am going to try to take a bunch of pictures and document every moment.  I will probably even blog from there.  My parents and I are going to see the Lion King for my graduation gift.  Of course it won't be just us...but I will avoid that subject.  I won't let that get me down.  This is my vacation.  I will not apologize for being bratty, either.  Anyway, I can't wait to go and live it up!  I love it there!!! 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Harry Potter

     I am in love with Harry Potter.  I really am!  I am having a movie marathon right now as I type this.  I am currently on number four: The Goblet of Fire.  It is only about twenty minutes.  I started at ten this morning and I would be further, but I had to drive to Park City to pick up my aunt at work during the third movie and then we stopped to get dinner.  I was very upset but I quickly got over it.
     I have had a serious yearning to reread the books again.  Not in seven days like I did last year but to do so before the final film comes out on the fifteenth of July.  Naturally, I checked the library but there was no such luck.  Both copies were not available for me to read.  Honestly, the first book is only, what? 309 pages?  I can read that in three hours tops.  The copies at the library aren't due until late July/early August!  Rubbish I say!  So being the stubborn, impatient girl I am, I checked Ebay.  Lucky me found all seven books for .99 cents with $10 shipping.  However the auction doesn't end for another 4 days AND some fool has already bid on it.  I hate them for it.  But I will win these books.  I will.
     Watching these movies inspires me to express my opinion on the characters.
     Harry Potter
        Harry is a fool.  He would not be a hero without friends who basically do all the work for him.  Voldemort even says, "You have fought valiantly, but you have allowed your friends to die rather than face me yourself."  Sucker punch, but the truth.  I find Harry to be the only character that is the closest to reality.  He is self-conscious and scared, average intellect...He would fail without good friends which is one of the main symbols in these glorious books.
     Draco Malfoy
        I have always been in love with Draco Malfoy.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that he is a coward but deep down, I know he is good.  His parents are just crazy and brought him up wrong.  That is all.  In the first few films, his hair kinda creeps me out because it is gelled back and that is not at all ideal.  But later he puts on handsome dark suits and lets his hair flow naturally and that is when my heart pounds.
     Rita Skeeter
        I.  Love.  Rita.  I really do.  She is glamorous and lovely, but she is brilliant!  She is charismatic and looks at situations with a different angle.  "Everyone loves a rebel Harry...scratch that last," speaking to her quill.  Yeah, that just happened.  Love her!
     Mad Eye Moody
        I honestly hate Mad Eye.  He bugs me.  I think he is a jerk and I don't like his blunt sense of humor.  I wasn't too sad when he died. 
     Cedric Diggory 
        I wasn't sad when he died, either.  And it's not because he is played by Robert Pattinson, who I am so proud of for learning some basic hygiene and I am still a little weirded out by for kissing Taylor Lautner at the MTV awards.  In all honestly, I am in love with him in 'Remember Me'.  Cedric is just annoying.  He is the annoying golden boy that no one likes.
     Cho Chang
        I wish she died with Cedric.
     Sirius Black
        I am also in love with Sirius.  In the Order of the Phoenix, that is, when he is cleaned up.  I would be even more in love if he cut his hair.
     Bellatrix Lestrange
        I think this lovely woman will put an end to my list for now.  I am deeply in love with Bellatrix.  She is a crazy wench and I love her.  I don't exactly approve of her mass murdering and torture techniques but she is lovely and wild.  I am dressing up as her for the movie premiere.
    
     This is all for now.  I have about 7.6 hours out of 17.5.  Wish me luck.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Girls Camp

     Ever since I moved away from the Daniel Ward, I have missed it tremendously.  I took it all for granted and I long to return to my real home and the ward I grew up in with all my friends and some of the people who made me into the woman I am today.  Anyway, I ventured with these lovely young woman and the gracious leaders to camp on June 14th to the 18th.  And this is what happened:
     Tuesday:
        I expected everyone to be at Jamie Gould's-the camp director- house at 8:30 am and we would leave ten minutes afterward.  One hour later, we loaded into the cars and departed.  There was only three girls, including myself, in the car with our young woman's president.  We sang and listened to stories that Marti told us.  It was fun.  Before Price, we saw a sign that said "Come to Helper to get a free piece of history!"  This was very tempting because we stopped in the ghetto little town and found the museum-after taking a picture with a giant mining statue-only to find a wannabe Indian woman in the one room museum.  The free history was a piece of coal.  This was disappointing.  She only gave us one and Hannah wanted one so Marti turned around and she and her daughter both went in.  Seconds later, they came running out.  The lady followed and stood there all angry, probably thinking they had stolen.  Supposedly she was not in there so they just took three bags and left. 
     We finally caught up with everyone in Wellington.  Our car did not want to stop to eat lunch, but we were overruled.  We went to a park and Marti wanted to park in the shade so she drove down the wrong lane to park.  Before we got out of the car, a cop pulled in front of us, jumped out and started screaming.  He had an intimidating moustache and was just plain mean.  Yes, we broke the law, but honestly what gave him the right to call us stupid and tell us to leave before he did something he would regret?  We left a hour later.
     After more stories and music, we arrived at a gas station.  We thought we were just stopping for gas.  Little did we know what was where we were actually staying.  It was the most ghetto thing ever.  Arlynn cleverly named it "Satan's Playground".  Which it was.  The red sand and dirt filled the air, it was so hot and cactus and sagebrush were the only green.  We set up camp and made the voyage halfway to the city of Moab to play at a giant sand hill.  It was huge and you only can see that when you start climbing.  You can run as hard as you can and not move an inch.  We went back to camp and had homemade Cafe Rio for dinner.  That night would be my best night of sleep.  I had a dream my mother got sick and woke up missing her more than I ever have before.
     Wednesday:
       Kinesha, Arlynn, and I went and showered at four in the morning and it felt glorious.  We went back to bed and then I was forced to wake up early to make breakfast.  I don't even remember what we had.  We made the hour journey to the Monticello temple.  It is a small temple and is beautiful.  We were late though because we stopped to help a couple with their flat tire.  One of the leaders actually gave them pass along cards which was cool.  We got to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.  I don't really like doing these ordinances because I feel uncomfortable in the clothes and I hate getting completely wet in water.  But as I sat and looked into the font, I realized I had been doing it for all the wrong reasons.  I was an overall good experience.  Next to the temple is a church and that is where we ate lunch because a leader's uncle is the president of the temple and pulled a few strings for us.
     We went back to camp and changed and then went to a music park in Moab.  Everything is enlarged and you can play music.  Then we did some certifications for the younger girls and made a bracelet.  During the craft I was staring at nothing and a kid walked by the pavilion we were at and waved with a big ole grin on his face.  I just started and looked away.  I felt bad for not waving back but it was a little shocking.  I'm sure he got over it eventually.
     We went back to camp and had dinner when all of a sudden it got blustery.  Then unbelievably windy.  It passed, but then the sand storm came.  It was fierce and strong.  At least 80 mph winds and red sand all in the face.  I closed my eyes for brief seconds and when  I opened them, everyone was gone.  I ran to my tent and held it down with all my might.  Five minutes later it stopped.  I then realized that Abby and Arlynn were holding the tent from behind.  But it was no use, the tent was thrashed, poles broken in half and everything.  I could have been seriously hurt.  When it got dark, we watched the movie 'Tangled'.  That night, Kinesh and I slept in the mixed tent and that was a hard night's sleep.  I slept on a flashlight all night and it was uncomfortable.
     Thursday:
       River trip!  This was my favorite day.  We ate quickly and had to wait two hours until we could go rafting.  We drove the fifteen minutes to the Moab Adventure Center and went in.  We lined up to get life jacket fitted and something happened and I said that I was frazzled and a cute, young guy looked at me and laughed.  I smiled at him and went on my way to the bus.  Kaeli and I sat next to each other and the guy I made laugh got on the bus.  It took a half hour to get to the river but we made it after a lot of annoying singing.  My raft consisted of Lorie, Marti, Kinesha, Rachel, Maddie, Hannah and Myself along with our guide who was...SURPRISE! the guy I made laugh.  His name was Cort, short for Cortney.  He was a returned missionary, going to BYU.  I made sure I told him I was eighteen and going to Westminster in the fall.  We stopped for lunch on the river and the rapids were a lot of fun. I made a lot of jokes and let my sarcasm show and he seemed to think I was funny.  At lunch there was this guy who came up to Marti and said he liked her shirt so we said he was hitting on her.  Anyway, Cort was so funny!   He made up all these stories that were total lies but he was great.  At one point he said we would Rodeo.  I didn't want to but we did.  We all go in the back of the raft and he pulled the bow up high so we were at an angle.  Another raft came up and we stopped.  Then Cort said we should do it again.  I once again didn't want to but we did.  So Cort pulled and we got so high, then the other guide on the raft pushed us and we all fell into the water. I was peeved.
     We continued down the Colorado River and came upon Eddies which are basically whirlpools.  I was rowing and all of a sudden my oar was being pulled away and I almost fell in, but I was not going in without a fight and pulled away.  Cort laughed and said he thought for sure I was going in.  I said not voluntarily, referring to the Rodeo and he laughed.  There was a lot of teasing and banter which was fun.  When it was all over, we loaded the bus and four guides came on with us, including Cort.  I sat by Kaeli and was telling her all about him!  It was great.  Then he was handing out Otter Pops and we hit a bump and he like fell into my lap.  I said 'Jeez Cort, still trying to kill me!' He laughed and shook his butt in my face and basically gave me a lap dance!   I DIED!!!!!!  We got back and I told Marti I was in love, along with Kinesha, but let's face it, I have the better chance, and we all ran in to the center to get a picture with him, but he was gone.
     We went back to camp and came to find out that the laurel tent collapsed again!  So Rob took us up to his trailer and we watched a movie and had girl talk and vegged out and ate.  It was great.  Then we went back to camp and we had two tents up.  One to sleep in and one to keep all our stuff.  Then we got ready for skits and performed, ate and the laurels went to go make the bear call.  It is a can with a wet shoe lace in it and when you pull it, it makes a bear noise.  After the devotional we went on a snipe hunt and lost Hannah and Rach and Kinesha got bit by a snipe and Megan took her back and younger girls were skeptical but kinda into it.  We would throw rocks into the field next to us and they would jump.  We also had Jamie tell them there were some bear sighting and people hunted bears there.  So a lie.  I don't think bears could even live in that desert environment.  So I took the girls back and at the entrance Kinesha and Megan pulled the string a couple of times and when the girls heard it, they took off running like there was no tomorrow.  I have never seen them run so fast.  It turned out Kinesha walked into a barbed wire fence where she said the snipe bit her.  Arlynn, Abby and I walked behind our camp ground and rustled the trees and tent and pulled the sting and then walked out and the joke was over.  They were kind of upset but everyone was fine afterwards.  Han and Rach were still missing but it was just a continuation of the joke, they were fine.  That night was a rough sleep.
     Friday:
      We ate and then went to Arches National Park to hike up to Delicate Arch.  I felt so sick and had awful cramps and felt like I was going to throw up.  It didn't  help it was so hot and there were so many people.  I made it up the mile and half steep hike though and we took pictures.  I didn't eat lunch, just tried to nap.  One girl lost their water bottle and a beehive ran after it and almost went off the cliff.  That made me even more sick.  On the way back down, some girls along with a leader went off the trail and got stuck on a cliff and I couldn't stand there so I continued down by myself.  That was a good choice.  It felt really good to walk by myself.  It was astounding how many people from around not only the nation but the world visit the park.  I mean the arch was really cool, but not cool enough to come around the world to see it.  I have never heard so much French in my life.  I was the first one off the trail and still felt sick when we left.  We stopped at Balance Rock, but Kinesha and I were too tired to see a rock, I mean I had a perfect view from the front seat of the car, so that is where we stayed.
     We got back to camp and I took some medication and felt a lot better.  We widdled in some soap and I made a Pegasus.  There was a lot of laughing and soap shavings everywhere.  Then when the wind started blowing I began to make a scrapbook, but all the embellishments were taken into a tent so they wouldn't blow away so I didn't get any.
     At one point, Abby and I were in out storage tent writing in our journals and the beehives raided us and tied bras and pants together and threw underwear all over the tent.  The laurels were so mad.  We made a truce until after testimony meeting.  The meeting itself was really good.  I bore my testimony.  It was short and sweet and to the point.  However, I continued to cry throughout the whole thing.  I just realized how hard it was and is for me living here after the move.  This isn't a home and it is really hard here.  After the meeting, we all hugged.  Maddy came up to me and told me she didn't want to move.  I told her moving was hard and we cried together.  Than Rach came up to me and grasped onto me and sobbed, as did I.  We went to bed that night without revenge on the beehives and we got Saran wrapped in return
      Saturday:
      The laurels were the first to be ready to go.  Most of us packed the night before and we got both tents down in a half hour.  We were waiting for the rest to to be done for another hour.  But then we left.  There was no closure on Cort.  I never even got to say goodbye!!!!  It took five hours to get home.  We went through Provo and stopped by the BYU field to see Han's cousin doing a football camp.  While we were stopped a guy walked by and waved at me.  Without thinking, I waved back.  I guess it was flirtatiously...I don't know.  But then we got home and my mum and dad came and got me.
       After telling them how much I missed them and about the adventure of Satan's Playground, my dad dropped a bomb on me.  We were planning a trip to Vegas in July.  It is basically my Senior trip and we are going to see 'the Lion King'.  I was so excited to go with my parents on a much needed vacation away from this awful place I dwell in and the residents of it.  Then he told me he invited my grandma that I am not close with.  It crushed me.  I sobbed and sobbed and he was upset with me for some reason.  Like, really bad.  It still hurts.  I can't believe he did that.  I felt like a brat at first, but then I told my sister and she said the same thing I was thinking and I realized that he was in the wrong, not me.  Like I said, it still hurts.
      I then went with my parents to the Park City hospital for my mother's IV therapy.  My dad and I went to the cafeteria to get some pizza and there was a cute guy there.  He did not replace Cort, but he was cute so I smiled and him and he said Hi so I said Hi back.  My dad and I sat at a table to wait for our food and he kept looking at me.  So I looked back and smiled.  It was nice and I came to realize that this new person is bursting forth inside of me and I like it.  I am becoming a bit of a monster. 
      After spending a week with so many girls, I had more encounters with boys that ever before.  And I liked it.  And I don't want it to end.
     

Monday, May 30, 2011

The truth hurts.

     It has been FAR too long.  I missed blogging almost as much as I miss my old house.  That is a lot of missing.  The Internet on my laptop hasn't been working.  I was mad at first and felt serious rage that made me want to throw it across the room.  Now I don't feel such emotions because my dad hooked up our old PC up so I can get on here, but it isn't as convenient when I have things to say at midnight.
     Yesterday was Seminary graduation and I talked in Sacrament in the Daniel Ward.  I miss it there so much.  It was probably the best talk I have ever done.  I wrote most of it down but I was able to go off on side notes and look at the faces in the audience which I have always wanted to do.  I even cried and was not ashamed which is definitely a step in the right direction.  I whole heartily believe theatre prepared me for such public speaking, but I give no credit to the teacher of said class.  That woman has taught me nothing except how to hate.
     After church was Seminary graduation and I somehow was assigned to sing in the choir so I did so.  The process of actually graduation was long and boring but I made it through.  After I got my diploma, I read it and the prophet's name is signed.  I realized he probably didn't sign each paper by hand, but it was still cool to hold something with his signature on it.
     When all that 'excitment' was over with, I came home and made a headband with three strips of fabric that has a bohemian essence about it.  I am wearing it now and I like it.
     This morning, I accompanied my father, mother and grandmother to Salt Lake where we proceeded to pick out new furniture for the downstairs living room.  It is ugly down there and all the furniture is uncomfortable.  We found something a lot faster than I would ever have anticipated.  So we got a beige leather sectional.  And if anyone is every looking for any handsome young men, go to Sofa Mart because there are some hot salesmen roaming around, all to eager to help and give you a friendly smile.  :)
     Well, here come the part that I never fail to get over.  I don't like it here.  It has been two months since my imprisonment and I feel I will never get into the grove of it.  This place is uncomfortable and awkward.  I don't have good relationships with the other members of this family and honestly, I don't feel the desire to work towards one.  I am sorry if my teenage bratty side is kicking in here, but I have always been a down-to-earth, level headed youth.  I think I should finally be permitted some teen rebellion.  I was just telling my friend how much I hate it here and how one member seems to be stealing affection towards me from other family members.  When I hug my mother, she does the same.  It's bizarre and I don't enjoy it.  My 1 year old niece was here and she went to said member, then later I was playing with her and tried to pick her up and she turned away.  Of course this didn't hurt my feelings.  She is one and I picked her up and played with her anyway and she liked it.  It's not like she hates me.  Anyway the person laughed at the fact she turned away.
     I hate it here and miss my old house so much I cry.  I have been such a baby lately.  I am fine all day and then I come to this awkward place and at night, I lay in bed and just sob.  The only one to give me comfort would be my black lab who curls up next to me and puts his head on my hand.  When I'm not sad, I'm angry.  Angry at my parents for making me move.  Angry at my family for not caring.  Angry at those already living here for reasons I shouldn't state.  Angry at myself.  So I throw fits.  I rip the ugly, rotting wallpaper in my room.  I intend to get rid of it and paint it this summer.
     Even as I write this, my family hasn't checked in on me.  But whatever.
     I graduate on Wednesday and then I am 'free'.  However my captivity here will reign strong because it is where I am bound to this summer.  I have no means to escape.  Until August.  Even then I have to come back to this 'home' on the weekends.  I apologize for the complaining, but this is the worst place ever.  I hate it here.  It is not my home and never will be.